The crisis of family relations and the possibility of itPermission is interested in literally everyone who is married and strives to maintain and improve relations. By creating a family, future spouses always hope for the best, on a wave of love, often having idealistically iridescent ideas that they will certainly not have the difficulties that other families face. It seems to them that family life will be like a honeymoon.
However, it is impossible to bypass the crisis stages, and onlyknowledge of what complexities and how they should be overcome by the family, will help build a strong relationship. The word crisis is revealed through its ancient Greek root, which designates a turning solution, and in Japanese the words crisis and opportunity are denoted by one word. That is, the crisis is a certain turn, a new step in the relationship, which, even if it carries with it complexity, misunderstanding, often negative - is still necessary and contains the potential for the growth of relations. Only after going through joint crises, a couple can become a real, strong family.
We can represent the family in the image of a boat in whichfirst there are two, then there are children, and each of them in it something adds its own. Problems arise when one wife or one husband rowes, or when, for example, parents row in one direction, and children in another. The most frequent situation for young families, which first puts the couple in front of the crisis, who knows where from, comes from different directions of husband and wife.
Psychology of family relations of the wife and the husband - crises
What is the crisis of family relations? There are normative crises, such as the birth of a child, his adolescence, separation from parents and, as a result, the feeling of an empty house. Such crises are experienced by every family, they are like current and turns - are natural and objective. But there are also more severe crises, that as if a storm or a waterfall on your way arise unexpectedly, it is difficult to prepare for them. Such abnormal crises include death of loved ones, loss of health or property, bankruptcy.
Psychologists help to pass these stages, contributing
in the family, to distribute family roles and responsibilities, to form their traditions and way of life. With age, with the course of family life, the spouses understand that love is not only
, but also requires specific actions, reasonableapproach, patience, readiness to change for each other. There is wisdom, the spouses are taught to discuss difficult moments and negotiate. And the sooner such deep conversations appear, the less problems are accumulated, it is easier to solve them. The ideal development of events will be, if even before the marriage, the partners will arrange all the points, taking care that the boat from the union steadily sailed along the river of life not only in good weather, but also could withstand the setbacks. Husband and wife, like a sports team of oarsmen must have coordinated actions, only then they will arrive at the destination - fortunately.
Recall crises in your family, periods, inwhich you thought that everything was bad. If we imagine the family as a living organism, these moments will be like illnesses, and development is like growth. For example, when a teenager grows up, his body is under great stress, there may be discrepancies between the size of the skeleton and internal organs, hormonal failures. It is also appropriate to compare with a snake when it, increasing in size, changes the skin. Dropping the skin, the snake is sick, and without this debilitating process, it can not build up new skin, can not grow until the old skin is thrown off. This is clearly illustrated by the crisis, as well as the family crisis, which contains both dangers and, at the same time, opportunities. When the family is bad, when it has a lot of anxiety partners, unrest, their negative emotions - there are quarrels, scandals, raises the risk of family breakdown. But here are found and opportunities - the family moves to the next level of development, it becomes more mature. If you do not rush to quarrel, do not ulcerate yourself, partner with hurt feelings, negative emotions, if you show patience - then the crisis will be successfully overcome.
In psychology, a family union is consideredsystem, systemality implies the unification, the integration of several elements. And any system, even the most effective, is too early, too late, but begins to experience crises. It is the unsuccessfully passed crises that lead to divorce.
And what if you found a family crisis liketo establish relationships and not to divorce? What are the laws of the family? Which of the family crises are the most dangerous, and how to cope with them? It is important to understand that the main, albeit not the only elements of the family system are the husband and wife. Their children, their parents are important parts, but it is the man and the woman who determine the well-being of the system. Any system, developing, undergoes changes. At the stage of crisis, the husband aggravates the craving for freedom. And the wife - the need to feel stability. On the part of her husband, there are fears of being chained, limited in his capabilities. To prevent this, a woman needs to show the man the most gentle way - to encroach on his freedom, his sense of dignity, on his
she is not going to. The woman is experiencing an acute need for protection and support, why more often and more aggressively appeals to the man for care and support, thereby fueling the growth of his fears.
Again, the wife is very carefulsignify their desires, needs, without crushing a man, and creating conditions that he would like to be in the family, helping a woman. A man should try not to go to work or the world of his hobbies for a long time, but to try to understand what challenges his wife encounters and see - she is no less than he is afraid of difficulties.
Crisis in family relations by years
When two different people decide to start a family,they immediately enter into a crisis relationship, because everyone has his own social habits: who works, who runs the farm, who earns, how to spend time together. A huge range of issues requires a settlement. And often a man is accustomed to one scenario of behavior in everyday life, and a woman to another. For example, the idea of how to relate to relatives, parents of a husband, wife, what place they are assigned to. The husband can think that it is worth every week to invite his mother, you need to prepare, set the table, spend time together. A wife, for example, against this - she was accustomed to living free, separated from her parents life, and her husband's expectations for cooking and meeting his mother-in-law are not justified. This is a conflict zone, the task of the couple in the first year of their joint life is to overcome this crisis in family relations, to agree, to change this model.
As a rule, the solution is to searchcompromises based on feelings of love. If there is a lot of love, then it is not difficult to find a compromise. If more conventions, struggle for your scenario - then people can even part. Very often, marriages break up already in the first year of existence, without overcoming the first crisis.
Then comes the crisis related to the birth of children. There is a new member of the family, the accents in the family vary greatly, the woman emotionally switches and begins to pay more attention to the child, which is understandable, but the man to this may be absolutely not ready. What is interesting, most often the betrayal of the husband occurs here, at this stage - the child acts as a third person, that takes the wife's attention, the awakened maternal instinct which sometimes begins to dominate the other female roles, then the husband tries to brighten up his loneliness with his mistress, with a drink. And this happens as a matter of course, which again confirms the systemic nature of the family - the partners should be on the right role-playing positions, the woman should remain the wife in the first place, in close emotional connection to be with the man, without displacing the child to her husband's place. But this behavior of spouses is often programmed already before, based on the patterns of behavior that work in families of parents.
A crisis of new circumstances reveals suchsick moments, and the relationship may fall apart. Having overcome this negative scenario, the partners will feel not the destructive, but the rallying influence of the newly born child on the relationship. They will be able to learn new roles - parents, opening for their personalities, for relationships, new, interesting horizons. Also, crises occur at the birth of the following children - already less pronounced, the acute moments are smoothened by the developments, that the spouses acquired during the crisis of the birth of the first-born. The crisis of family relations of 7 years occurs when the spouses have already gone through much together, understand each other well, and have adapted to the relationship. Suddenly they begin to experience a point and discomfort when nothing happens, is not fundamentally changed in a couple, the relationship is perceived as fresh, uninteresting, stagnant. Sometimes it happens that the crisis of family relations for 7 years intersects with the crisis of middle age in one or both partners.
The crisis of family relations lasts for 10 years,when suddenly it seems to the person that everything that is in his life does not need him, and the family with the chosen partner, too. Overcoming this crisis is to understand one's desires and learn how to realize them in concrete relationships, which leads to a fundamentally different level of relations. Often at this stage, new activities and hobbies, new business and career growth, moving. If the spouses pick up the changes as opportunities, then the crisis of family relations for 10 years brings growth, change and sometimes even an update of feelings. If ignored, this sometimes leads to a divorce.
Another major crisis - called the crisisan empty nest in which children grow up, leave their parents' families, do not spend the night at home or at all move and live an independent life. If the family was formed for the sake of the children, the couple sometimes even has nothing to talk about, the meaning of their communication is lost. Divorce at this stage is tied to the lack of genuine personal relationships between spouses, which were replaced by a successful, but rather business partnership - the children were their joint project, which they released. To overcome this crisis before the emergence - you need to understand that the family is an alliance of two, be ready to support it and waste time. Unfortunately, spouses often forget about the first love, their choice of a couple for romantic relationships, cease to pay attention to each other, the charm of romance is lost, and sometimes intimate contacts stop with all the ensuing consequences. Having found out that nothing is already connecting with the partner, even in 60-65 years a man and even a woman can start looking for new partners, hobbies, because health still allows it to be done, and the feeling of transience of time only strengthens the desire to try another chance, even to find meaning or love.
The causes of the crisis of family relations
As already mentioned, the crises of family relationsare regular, this is an integral part of the development of the family system, and it is not worth considering the crisis as a uniquely negative phenomenon. The crisis is a stress for family relations, and stress leads to a state of tension, increased tone, followed by resolution of the situation and relaxation, the problem is gone. In this variant of passing the crises of family relations, they can be considered healthy.
However, often the natural crisis of familyrelations is exacerbated by additional difficulties, unresolved problems that seem like a snowball for years, and there is no hope to unravel it from the spouses. We will try to find such reasons for the difficult passage of family crises.
Such problems can be divided into severalblocks: emotional problems, tied to lack of support, mis-distribution of roles, difficulties in understanding with relatives, major financial problems with housing and finance. The rapid pace of modern life contributes to the loss of a woman's femininity, and the man's masculinity. Relationships of the couple more often initially look like good friendships, which do not contribute to the proper distribution of roles, when the couple become parents.
Women are by nature mother, because inour culture, experiencing difficulties with the female initiation, the spouse from the role of a friend often immediately turns into a maternal position towards the spouse, in difficulties trying to set him on the right path. Of course, this does not promote a uniform distribution of responsibility, as well as the existence of the family as a union. A man should feel free, even in a couple, and especially under stressful situations, to be able to navigate the situation and give the woman a sense of support and stability.
The crisis of family relations after the birth of a child
It would seem that with the birth of a child, familythe relationship must be strengthened, but in reality it often turns out to be the other way round. Very often the relations of spouses deteriorate when their children appear, they are separated from each other. We will try to understand the causes of this conflict. Statistics are inexorable - a fifth of couples are at risk of divorce in connection with the birth of children.
Why is there a problem here? After all, it even counts - with the birth of the child the family is born - it gets the core, it becomes full. Often young parents are not yet ripe for children, they do not know each other well enough, have not adapted to each other, and the appearance of a third member of the family further complicates this process. Wife in connection with the transition to the mother's role is experiencing problems, she experienced a huge physical, psychological stress, and needs frequent emotional strokes. The husband sometimes moves away, because the wife gets tired with the child, and he often has to work more. Even the regime is lost, the intimate relations are smeared, now there is less time for their rest, less attention to each other, it is more difficult to maintain a romantic mood.
And here are two options for what events are going on. The first is to change nothing, hoping that this period will pass by itself, or that the partner will resolve the conflict independently. It is this approach that leads to divorce, since the natural difficulties that have already arisen are prolonged and become chronic. The second approach is to sit down for talks and discuss what does not suit, worries that I wanted from a partner, to hear each other and change, going to the next stage of the relationship.
Claims are always on two sides, usuallyjustified. The wife finds that the spouse devotes little time to the family, she personally does not help with the household, which is why her fatigue is formed. The husband feels dissatisfaction because the woman watches herself less, pays all her free time to the child, and at night turns to him with her back and falls asleep without power. Also, a fifth of women experience postpartum depression, emotionally often experiencing irritation, decay and negativity. Having discussed these claims and having understood them, the spouses will be able to seek common solutions. For example, leave your child for an evening grandmother, and yourself go together to a movie or a cafe.
Psychology of parenthood claims that the childspouses must be prepared emotionally, mature to this desire, distribute roles, try to solve in advance a number of problems that can arise with its appearance. Then this crisis of family relations after the birth of a child will pass most easily and bring more positive moments to the family.
How to know in advance how your chosen one will leadyourself when a child appears, what problems can arise? Observe how his own parents build the relationship with him. Is the parent's attitude to him adequate, does he know how to build relationships as a child? If yes, and the relations are harmonious, then the inherited model of the child-parent relationship is positive, it is these good relations that your chosen one will try to create in his family, with the child.
How to overcome the crisis in family relations
To successfully overcome the crisis in familyrelations, it is necessary to clearly realize that it is necessary to work on relations. Ideally, even in advance to prepare for difficult periods and prevent them or weaken. In other words, to make psychological investments in their relationships, to introduce a new one, to fill themselves with emotions, to give love to a partner who will mirror it to you. The basis of relationships is love, and this gift is given to everyone. If you work on this feeling, give it a course and priority positions in your life, strive not only to keep the feeling, but also to love more - you develop as a partner, your life is always on the right wave. A concrete recommendation here will be to recall the initial attitude towards the partner, try to return the thrill, show attention, take care, care - as it was before the jointly experienced difficulties, domestic turmoil, resentment, addiction. By doing this, building the right priorities, the person arranges the right relationship first with himself, because only a happy person can be happy in a relationship, freely give and receive love.
What if the crisis in the familyrelations, how to overcome? Realize that love is not a spontaneous and spontaneous feeling or just a complex of hormonal reactions that takes place within 3 years, but a conscious work on oneself, relationships. Only if you restore or set this priority for the first time, you can look at your relationships and conflicts in the correct perspective. The next stage of the work will be the study of a specific problem, a separate crisis of family relations, which the pair is now experiencing. The best option here is a joint appeal to a psychologist who will help to understand and accept that the difficulties are natural, and it is possible to get out of them, even with a positive effect, both for themselves and for the relationship.
The consequences of the crisis of family relations. Many couples give up before the difficulties, they are frightened by this completion of love, the positive attitude that they had to each other. They feel that they have lost feelings, and nothing can be saved, so the percentage of divorces is so high - as it turns out, from ignorance and unwillingness to work on relationships. Therefore, the correct diagnosis of the situation and control over yourself from the meta-position solves half the problem, with the desire to go on dialogue and the ability to seek compromises - a positive result is inevitable. Further to solve specific difficulties you can practice these or other psychotechnologies, but they are secondary here. The main thing is to form and maintain the priority of love, a genuine mature feeling, only on which strong relationships can be built. To maintain it, you can take, for example, the technique of meditation, imagining how a stream of love passes through you. This practice will fill you - based on this emotional state, you will begin to build mature positive conclusions and behavior in relation to the partner.