Our readers' stories

About my life, about the fight against the disease - the history of a patient with schizophrenia

To my children and all people

... I only talked to the political one: - Do not be depressed. We will not be sated, so we will break, We will be alive - we will not die. The time will come, we will return back, What we have given, we will return everything. AT Tvardovsky "Vasily Turkin"
I was in my youth and in my youth because of my mentalThe illness had to endure a lot, but it so happened that I managed to get out of this great misfortune in many ways and find my happiness, and I want to tell my story so that it maybe served as an example for someone, helped somebody not To lose hope and, maybe, also find happiness.
I was born in 1976, I had a veryhappy childhood. My first memory is that I'm lying in the cradle, that my mother leans over me - beautiful, kind, smiling, happy. I hear the noise of guests' voices, and I understand that my mother wants to go to them, and I scream - I want her not to leave, she was with me. Mom - beautiful, bright, kind, smiling, and around us - a kind, big, magical world ...
And another memory - that I'm sitting small onThe window sill in the kitchen, and I look at the stars. Stars are multicolored - blue, green, red, maybe, some more colors, and I admire our magical, kind world. I understand, of course, that I could hardly see multicolored stars from the window, but this left one of my first memories ...
I had very good, kind grandmothers,Grandfather ... My grandfather (my mother's dad) collected his motorcycle for a long time with a wheelbarrow, and when he decided to try it, all his grandsons ran after him, holding onto his motorcycle and pushing him. I was then five years old. Grandfather hung my medal on his chest, which he left with the war. We ran down the street, along a sloping field. When we returned, it turned out that I only have a bracelet on my chest, but I do not have the medal itself - it broke off. I remember how I told Grandpa about this, but he did not scold me, did not say a single bad word, only his face became sad ...
So it turned out that the Lord surrounded me alwaysKind people, with rare exceptions. Still, I had a sister ... I remember how one winter night we went with my sister to walk in the yard. I went first, waited for my sister on the street and suddenly I saw a falling star in the sky. She flew very beautifully, scattering sparks through the night sky. I ran after my sister to call her, so she also saw this beautiful star, together we ran out of the entrance, but the star was gone ...
My father was a military man, my mother worked as a seller ... ForWe changed the time of Dad's service to several cities. I learned more well than bad. He loved literature, geography, history. When we lived in one of the Siberian cities, I started going to the children's circle at the geological expedition. We had a very good teacher - a geologist. She told us about the magical, amazing world of minerals, rocks, the structure of the earth. She instilled in me a love of science.
Then, after so many years, I had a dream,"As if in winter I came to my native H-sk, I came to the School of the Young Geologist, and there all our guys and girls gathered. But we are not 14 - 16 years old, but 26 - 28 - adults. Everyone was in a festive, joyful mood, as if I had come to a New Year's holiday (in the street winter is all around, snow is white and the air is frosty, pouring vitality into us). Everyone was very happy to see me and that I came, joined the general holiday, happiness; As if everyone had just remembered me, but did not expect to see it, but I showed up. Girls are beautiful, sparkle with joy, kindness, mischief, fiction.
And TG is teaching a lesson in the library. I talked to everyone and went to TG. Years did not touch her at all; She became even better: more collected, more attentive, more reasonable, wiser; The mood, as always, is upbeat. She was wearing a white blouse with silver.
She smiled, was delighted with me, looked at meAnxiously and trying to understand what was happening to me all these years, and how I became. I had nothing to particularly boast about, but I was calm, happy because I still live worthy of a man, how can I make life better (although this does not always work for me), because I saw my favorite teacher and friends. TG told me some kind words, which I did not quite deserve.
And then we with the guys and girls sat shoulder to shoulderShoulder and recorded her lecture. Lyosha K., however, fell asleep on my shoulder. And above all this was such a high starry sky (the night had already fallen on the city), the stars were burning high in the frosty air, they were shining, they were shining. And at us in School everywhere around of us and near to us lay stones - magic particles of our planet. And we with the guys and girls, with TG live in eternity, fly to the depths of the Cosmos, all together; With our School of Young Geologist and / city and planet. The cosmos opens its secrets before us, and we admire and learn of its eternal beauty and that we are able to do good ourselves ...
When I woke up, I wanted to cry a little, for some reason, very sad. But it's very light on the soul "(from a letter, September 9, 2002).
I wanted to be a geologist, twice went toGeological parties, about which I have one of the brightest memories in my life. Life in a good team, work, beautiful nature around is happiness. In the School of the Young Geologist and in geological parties I have very well experienced what kind of happiness it is to be a part of a friendly collective when everyone gives away the good that everyone has in a common fire and then the soul of each person in the rays of this fire begins to sparkle like a precious stone . This time remained for me a reference point for life.
When I was in the 10th grade, my sister and IVisited the preaching of Seventh-day Adventists (this religion is one of the directions of Christianity). This lecture shocked me. Before that, I considered all the stories about Jesus Christ, about God the invention of people, an outdated notion of the structure of the world. And then suddenly I discovered that it was in fact that God exists. And I did not know anything about it at all.
My sister and I began to attend classes onThe study of the Bible, led by a pastor, whom, if I am not mistaken, was called Andrei Gavrilovich. It was a young and very bright, pure soul priest. His sermons were very good, light. I have a bright memory about him for all my life, although I later went to the Orthodox church.
After this revolution in the worldview of meThere was an understanding that people had put things in order, for example, in geology, but that, apparently, it is more important - in philosophy - people of this order could not bring them yet. People live, but do not know what God is. People have very vague ideas about morality, about the meaning of life, and all this is very important. And I wanted to become a philosopher to take part in putting things in order in this science. I wanted to put everything in order in philosophy in the same way that geologists laid out everything on the shelves.
I began to prepare for entering the philosophicalFaculty. I was then 15 years old. At that time, not very good things began to happen in my soul. Now, from the perspective of a believer, I can assume that this was the result of an attack on me by the devil. I then turned to the faith, wanted to do something good in life, and such people are attacked by the devil.
I began to be haunted by a painful feeling. As far as I can remember, it was a feeling of disastrousness, homelessness. It seems to me that it was the result of some destructive processes in the depths of the soul, the brain. When I had this feeling, I somehow painfully wanted to do something. Because it was a failure into emptiness, into nothingness, into chaos, into ruin, and it was necessary to somehow escape from this emptiness, somehow fill it.
My grandmother, when I came to her nextIn the summer, I saw that something was going wrong with me, felt it and asked me to go to confess to the priest, but I was disgusted with this idea. By that time, apparently, I had already been thrown back from the faith, although I was still trying to read the Bible. Now I think that if I had come to God then it would help me get out of the difficult crisis I was in, my spiritual emptiness would be filled with faith, The Lord would help me as He helps me now, when I started In Him to believe. But, probably, for something it was necessary to pass this way.
Simultaneously with this painful feeling I haveThere was a consciousness of the need to move in the direction of philosophy, to solve serious problems. But the tasks were numerous and huge, and the power of the mind is not so great, I did not know what to grab onto for me. But the main danger, as I now understand, was in this destructive feeling that tormented me, destroyed me, did not allow me to do something serious. I've been studying well since then, I was a normal boy, I solved some problems. And then everything was somehow disorganized, everything became painful. I now understand that I was tormented by some kind of mental illness.
It is a pity that I did not meet on the waySome wise, kind person to whom I could open, tell what is happening to me, who could reasonably assess my condition. I then had to go to a psychiatrist, drink some medicine, but then I did not realize that I was mentally ill. And I also needed to turn to God.
This was the most terrible period of my life, whichLasted approximately from 15-16 years to 18 - 19. I do not want to talk about it here (I described it in another note). I can only say that I had a very deep spiritual crisis when, due to my unhealthy psyche, crazy ideas were born in my head that made my life terrible and almost led to my death, I survived only by God's mercy and the prayers of my loved ones. I managed to enroll at the Faculty of Philosophy then, but I soon abandoned it, lived a year or two homeless in a foreign city, since to confess to my parents that I dropped out of the university was ashamed ...
When I was 18-19 years old (1994 -1995), this terrible period ended, I suddenly realized that the terrible feeling that had tormented me had ceased.
At the same time, I realized one important thing: That we have the right and are bound to be critical of any ideas, to check them, otherwise untested, false ideas can lead us into a big trouble.
Approximately six months or a year after that, I landed inmental asylum. We had an anti-Soviet coup in our country, and as I could, I opposed it, and found myself in a psychiatric hospital - the court sentenced me to compulsory treatment for a year. As I understand now, I really had an unhealthy psyche, and the doctors, after talking with me, quite reasonably gave me a group of disability. It was a great blessing for me, because, from prison, most likely, I would not be alive.
I spent over a year in psychiatricHospital, and it was a very rewarding experience. I saw how many people are mentally ill, how vulnerable is the human psyche, how easily it can be damaged. And I realized that with me, apparently, something similar happened.
When I left the hospital, I began to make attemptsEnter the University at the Faculty of Philosophy. Unfortunately, my thinking and memory did not work very well (apparently due to the fact that I had suffered such a disease, great suffering) and therefore it was difficult for me to prepare for the exams, and my attempts to enter the University for a long time remained unsuccessful. I managed to do this only in 2001. By that time I felt self-confidence, some kindness - went to these exams to do, "break through the enemy's defense." And passed the exams for 4, 5, 5. Simultaneously, I also successfully passed the exams and to the Faculty of History, but from there I took the documents ... Of course, I noticed more than once that when in life there is the same daring, dexterity, self-confidence , The desire to fight, then a difficult question can be solved immediately. In the same way, after many unsuccessful attempts, I managed to find a wife right after I felt the same daring, self-confidence ...
I now understand that I made a big mistake,Enrolling in the Faculty of Philosophy, since by that time my sister was very seriously ill, and I had to not study, but to get a job specialization, to find a job and take care of my sister and mother. Unfortunately, I did not understand it then.
My sister graduated from a pedagogical school,Worked a year at school as a music teacher, then went to a theological seminary. She could not withstand the overburdening in the seminary, and she had a very bad psyche in 1995 when she was 22 years old. She many times lay in a psychiatric hospital, she suffered very much all my life ... My sister was very much eager for God, she was looking for Him, she was found and, probably, she was attacked by the devil, just like me in her youth, but it was easier for me to cope with it . The holy righteous John of Kronstadt wrote: "Being subject to the vicious and violent violence of various passions and the curse of the devil in the accomplishment of the various works of God, accept these sufferings as suffering for the name of Christ, and rejoice in your sufferings, thanks to God; For the devil has prepared for you, without knowing it, the most brilliant crowns from the Lord! Amen. To resist the devil's gnawing is urgent. "(" My Life in Christ, "384. M .: Blagovest, 2012) And I believe that my sister was also prepared for a crown from the Lord ...
... I was very happy that I entered the Faculty of Philosophy. But I did not study for a long time - only one and a half courses. I have had a great misfortune.
I passed the session and lived in a hostel. We had very cheerful, amicable graduate students and students in our room, but they passed the session and left, and I was left alone. Still, it's true that it's better to be together with people, one person is more dangerous.
That evening (10 - 11.02.2003)) I was preparing to retake the exam in medieval philosophy. By that time I was already an atheist, and that evening I began to develop in my mind the idea that Jesus Christ is a madman, a schizophrenic. I got ready as I could and went to bed. Somewhere at one in the morning there was a knock at my door. A friend of the pioneer (a preparatory student) asked me to let the two guys and the girl spend the night, because they have no place to spend the night. I did not think anything awake and let them in, but I myself tried to sleep on. These three guys and the girl, instead of going to bed, sat down at the table, started drinking vodka, smoking, telling such nasty jokes that I never heard in my life. Then three guys decided to rape this girl in perverted forms. She was against it. For me, it was all so wild, that something began to turn in my head, in my head a rage seethed. I got out of bed and told them to leave, and they obeyed and dragged the girl to the toilet. I threw away their belongings and locked the door. They pounded on the door, shouted ...
In my head, after this night, this scene was scrolled, angry was boiling, emotions worked on some kind of super-weapon. Something went wrong in my head.
I am now, from the position of a believer,I comprehend this situation so that after my blasphemy, demons rushed into my room, and did to me the same thing that I insulted in my mind of God - they damaged my psyche.
The next day I went to take the exam on medievalPhilosophy. The professor, a very strict person, apparently realized that I was not myself, and put me a three. I am very grateful to the Faculty of Philosophy for this last mercy to me.
Then I had to pass the test in English. English was my skate, I loved him very much, I knew the self-taught Petrova well, for which it was necessary to pass the test. And I remember well how I looked at the text on the text, the rules to which I had known very well before, and could not connect anything in these rules, could not understand anything. The English teacher saw my exercise book. I told him that I knew all this perfectly well, but that I had a strong shock, and now I can not say anything. He understood all this, and also set me off ...
I went home, and I realized already that, with the philosophical faculty, it seems that everything was over ...
A new, very difficult period began in my life - the period of illness.
I could not do anything, for what could not take. It was very painful to force myself to just peel potatoes. I could not read books, although this was my favorite pastime before. I just wanted to sleep. I slept 14 to 16 hours a day or was in some kind of oblivion, trying to prolong sleep, so that I did not have to do anything. But nothing to do, too, was very painful. It was very painful to live, and it's even more terrible to die. I had almost complete loss of interest in life.
When all this happened, I immediately felt,Like in my head, somewhere in the right part of it, above the temple, somewhere in the depth of a sort of hole was formed. I felt it as some kind of rupture of some kind of nervous tissue or I do not know what else is there. At times I felt in the area of ​​this "hole" some crackling, accompanied by painful feelings (as if the process of destruction continued). That's what I wrote about it in my diary in February 2003, (ie immediately after the shock):
"Another, an interesting feeling now understood: That I feel a sense of decay, of death going somewhere in the depths of the brain (by the way, a familiar feeling for the previous years). This sense of decay, death seems to be accompanied by some slight crackling in the depth of the brain (from where it comes), and this feeling, perhaps, is the same "process of destroying the deep historical experience" (as Ya. This feeling is accompanied by a lead / taste in the mouth; As well as a feeling ... Let's say more precisely: the sense of disintegration causes as a consequence the feeling of some flight into the abyss and at the same time some kind of wild delight ("There is a rapture in battle and a black abyss on the edge ..."). And, apparently, after this sense of decay, I have a phase of frustration, depression, loss of interest in life, primitiveness of desires ...
I do not know if I really deciphered this feeling, butIt seems to me that it is true. And this feeling, it seems, worries me the most, I most of all feel it. And now, when I determined it in this way, it became easier for me, it died down ... ".
Then gradually this feeling became lessNoticeably and disappeared just as the sensation of a hole in the brain disappeared. Now, after 12 years, I just feel that I have some kind of damage in this area of ​​the brain, and this especially makes me aware when I'm tired. As if the wound was delayed ...
Subsequently, my future wife (then stillBride), after reading the medical manuals, was able, in my opinion, to give a very accurate assessment of my illness: I had an emotional-volitional sphere (this is one of the forms of schizophrenia).
Although I turned to the doctor, but the medicine II did not take any - I did not believe in the power of any medicine (I thought that they could do more harm than good), did not believe in doctors. I thought that maybe there are doctors somewhere that can help me, but apparently they do not live in our city.
My mom, dad and my sister helped me a lot -Without them, I probably would not have survived. They surrounded me with warmth, caring, very supportive of me. When you cry, when the soul is very sore, when you are seized by despair and do not want to live, my mother suddenly brought dranichki only from a frying pan, and pain, despair left ...
Then I read how one of our familiar womanWrote in a letter to my sister that the most precious thing we have is the warmth and wisdom that other people give us. Yes, it's true - when the soul hurts, suffers, the warmth of the loved ones saves us from this pain, brings us back to life ...
But there was nowhere to go - it was necessary to somehow live, fight, do something ...
In the summer I went to my native land, to Belarus, toTo my relatives. My cousin aunt (I'll call her here "Aunt Natasha"), after learning about my misfortune, she invited me to live at my dacha. At the dacha there were a forest, a river, it was very beautiful around ... My aunt is a very faithful and wise man. She told me a lot about her life and about the life of our relatives.
I got into the soul of the story from her life about howIn her youth she became disabled, and how she managed to get out of this very difficult situation. This story supported me and then served as my guide. I will bring it here, as I then wrote it in my diary (entry dated September 3, 2003):
"/ My aunt's grandmother (and my father) raised seven children before the war. Five sons were killed at the front, among them my father's aunt. Lived four of them: grandmother, mother and her two daughters.
The collective farm worked without days off - all 365 days inYear. What lawlessness! One Sunday, aunt Natasha, being a teenager, did not come to work due to illness, and the foreman took off five workdays from her. Since she did not have a father, brothers, uncle, the brigadier put her on the hardest work (there was nobody to intercede): for example, to load 100 kg of flax sheaves into a car.
The flax was cleaned. Their family had a norm of 1 hectare. Twitched at night, since he was softer with the dew and did not make a splinter in his hands. But still the hands were all in splinters, and the fingers did not straighten. The weekend was given only to the hostesses of the family only for the biggest holidays, so that they could cook something delicious ... / When her mother's mole cuckold gouged out her eye, she took it to heart, and her legs were weakened (there was a pinching of some nerve ). She was lying in the hospital, but then she had to live something for something, she had to work somewhere, and she barely walked around the house. It was very difficult. And she already had Vitya's son. Then the village was given a light, and one guy was told about this to the electrician, and he decided to help - he asked his friend to register it in the regional center, which he did. But where to work in this city? They take only a cleaner in an infectious hospital.
Cousin helped to get a furrier'sshop. At first the seats were not there, but the chief said: "I'll keep you in mind," and soon sent a postcard to the station to this sister. For some reason, the children found the postcard in the snow and barely understood that the boss (the Jew, by the way) invites to work (because the employee went to maternity). Without hope, they went there, and he took it to work.
Soon she mastered the art of sewing on the furrier'sMachine, but she could not fulfill the plan, because the leg worked only one and then it was bad, and the machine was foot. Then one old woman asked the chief to transfer her to the cutting room, where one should not work with legs, but only with a knife to cut the skins sitting at the table. And the chief agreed. Many of the Jewish women in the sawmill shop were overworked, because there was more salary. But the chief said: "I decided so and I will not ask you." So she began to work, and her leg was at rest. But for the chief she became a wand-zashchalochkoy: she could work in the cutting room, and could substitute someone in the car. And she worked without refusal. I rented the apartment. But soon at work many began to join a construction cooperative, and she too decided to join. There was no money, but they decided to borrow some money. Mom at first and talk about the apartment did not want, but then Aunt Natasha still persuaded her, and not one-room, but two-bedroom. Onatdzhivali money and paid. And the deputy chairman of the cooperative wanted to move her to the second stage, because, according to his information, she did not have money, but the chairman of the cooperative became a mountain for her and left her in her place.
Money she gave the chairman personally in hands, but without any receipt, receipt. Then she led him to her boss from work, so he was a witness. The receipt was given later.
And a year later she lived in her apartment. I paid money in installments. Then she got married. Another baby was born.
Then, when the children grew up, I bought another apartment from the Jews who were leaving for America. Good people were very much. And that apartment left the eldest son.
Constantly worked both at work and at the dacha. Since the summer residence on Monday came to work - and was a corpse corpse. Then all week he made his way up not done on Monday. And all survived. So that's how seriously ill she managed to make her life happy. "
I remember, even as I saw in the forest near my aunt Natasha'sGiving a small ashberry, which something was bent to the ground. Its trunk was lying on the ground, and its branches began to grow vertically upwards like trunks. The tree fell to the ground, and it found another way to live and live differently!
Soon after I returned from my aunt NatashaIn his hometown, I went to the dance and met a girl. On this girl later I married a year later, we had a baby. But we soon divorced, because I very quickly realized that we are in many respects opposite to each other with this person. These relationships taught me a lot, including the fact that before you get acquainted with the girl, you need to clearly imagine yourself, with what qualities I want to meet, and what qualities are unacceptable for me.
These relationships have brought me so many bad thingsExperiences; We can say that they turned my whole life around. But the approach of the birth of my future child made me go to work. And as Suvorov said: "The work is healthier than rest," and so it happened to me - the work, as I now understand, played a great positive role in that my state of health improved.
I got a job as a watchman at the construction site, I worked there for a year and a half (November 2004 - August 2006).
The first six weeks of work were veryExtreme. It was in the winter, and I was sent to guard the excavator in the sand pit. I was very useful skills obtained in geological parties - the ability to control the ax, stove the stove. You sit next to this excavator in a trailer with a kerosene lamp, you are constantly fighting for warmth, there is a dog beside you, and besides her, around a soul, you try not to think about the possible danger ...
Then I was transferred to a construction site - in comparison with a career, I was in a paradise corner.
After some time, I already worked at two construction sites as a watchman - I found a second job.
By that time, I had already started taking trifazine andAmitriptyline. That's what I wrote in my diary of illness on 9.02.2005: "I drink about 1 tablet of trifazine about two days in July. Recently I felt a need to drink 1 tablet a day, because sometimes some unhealthy lightness appears in the head, it becomes bad. But I hope to return soon to 1 tablet in 2 days. It seems that triftazine is still needed. "
At this time, I learned that there is a medical center in our city where you can sign up for an appointment with different professors. I went to see two professors.
The first of them (the consultation was 7.04.2005.) Was a professor-neurologist and head of the department of psychology, a very respected doctor in our city. He told me the truth - he confirmed that I was sick with schizophrenia ("do not be afraid of this word"). He confirmed the correctness of my treatment (I took trithazine and amitriptyline), but said that there are better, but more expensive drugs that my doctor can advise me. The professor has very much supported me, gave me some good advice. He advised me to part with my wife, because she acts on me very destructively (I could not decide on this issue, and his advice helped me a lot) and said that when I'm sick, I can meet love, find my happiness , Recommended a book (Paul de Crewe "Fighting madness", I did not read it), which told about the fate of such a patient who found his love. The last in my dramatic circumstances seemed to me very unlikely, from the realm of fantasy, but as further events showed, the wise professor saw further than I could do. I noted then for myself that the professor had the great courage to give me advice on my wife, changing my whole life - how good that there are people who do not mumble common phrases, being afraid to take on some kind of responsibility, but have the courage to give wise Advice to a person who does not know how to get out of the situation!
A week later I met withProfessor-psychiatrist (15.04.2005). I came to see him with a large cassette tape recorder to write everything down and not miss anything from the conversation. I was in a state of insecurity, some kind of non-assassination. When he advised me when he heard me and advised me to take the medicine, I asked him a question five times, although I was recording the tape recorder and the name of the medicine was written on my paper: "So ... So, I need to prick the clopixole depot?" "Please, repeat , What is the name of this medicine? "And somehow in other variants - so I was afraid that the name of this medicine would be misunderstood and lost.
He appointed me a clopixlode depot (1 ml per month)"... You need to take ... Now a very large group of drugs, called" atypical antipsychotics. " Their atypicality is that they do not give side effects. Much softer, more pronounced, more stop the psychotic state. The first drug I recommend to you is the klopiksol-depot. 1 ml / month, without requiring any additional cyclodol and other. Instead of tryptazine. I strongly advise »(« decoding »abbreviated).
We talked with him about schizophrenia. According to the professor, schizophrenia is an endogenous disease ("endogenous" is, as I understand it, coming from the inside of the psyche), the reasons for its occurrence are unknown; Basis-heredity; I had a painful base before the shock. The diagnosis, according to him, is not terrible, but the disease is chronic and flows with periods of improvement and deterioration.
On the organization of life, he advised: A) Alternate activities with rest; And rest should be a change of labor. B) Sleep as much as a healthy person - 7-8 hours a day. We must stay awake, and in no case should not sit and lie. There is even such a method of treating schizophrenia: deprivation - deprivation of sleep ...
My further life showed that the professorHe said the truth about sleep, but his advice should be followed without fanaticism - for my well-being I need not 7-8 hours, as he said, but 8-9. And also I need the opportunity to lie down a little during the day, if it becomes bad.
Soon the familiar nurse started to stab me this medicine (apparently, since 6.05.2005), and immediately I felt much better.
Thank you very much to these kind people!
I want to add that since my conversation withProfessor-psychiatrist passed for 10 years, but I have two comrades who still take haloperidol, and not those "atypical antipsychotics", about which the professor spoke. Apparently, this happens either because of the low qualification of the treating doctors, or because the state does not have money for these drugs, or maybe because of both. How good that I at one time decided to go on paid advice to the professors. As our professor in economics said: "Never spare money for high technology - they always justify themselves."
Klopiksol-depot to me pricked about one year. Then my friend called me, who had similar health problems, and said that a new medicine appeared - risperidone (rispolept - one of its release forms). It was by my standards very expensive, but it could be received for free by prescription. I went to my doctor, and she appointed me, a little surprised at my knowledge. I drink this medicine 2 mg per day (at night) for nine years (starting from June 19, 2006). Apparently, this medicine plays a very important role in the fact that during these nine years my state of health has greatly improved. Recently I forgot to drink a risperidone pill for the night, and the next evening I felt very bad - I was very irritable, could not keep myself in hand, and I went home soon to drink this medicine.
With my wife, I divorced (in February 2006, our marriageLasted a year and three months), and was greatly relieved ... Six months later, I continued to work as a watchman, and then decided that you need to look for some kind of better job.
I found a plastic foundry for the plant. It was necessary to stand near the machine, remove the obsoy (excess plastic) from the finished parts. It was necessary to work very quickly. I only survived for two days and left.
Soon after that I got a job as a loader insupermarket. The duties of the loaders included not only the unloading of the machines, but also checking the expiration dates of the goods, unfolding the goods on the appropriate shelves in the warehouse and so on. I could not remember where everything was lying and it created a very great stress. About 10 days later I resigned. I WAS VERY ILL. In my head was incredible fatigue, my soul was very ill, I did not know how to get rid of this pain, I felt completely helpless. Probably, all the health that I accumulated during the work of the watchman, was destroyed. I thought that I would be in a psychiatric hospital.
But I was advised to go to work for the companyfor invalids. I found a fitter here (December 2006). My duties included screwing the contacts for the electric bulbs (for the bulbs) using a special machine, similar to a drill. It took 7 hours to perform the same operations, working mainly with fingers. To fulfill the norm, it was necessary to work very quickly. I got into work and soon began to notice that I worked these seven hours, I got tired, but when I got home, all the rest of the time I could do my favorite things - my head after work worked well, life began to please me ... They say that the so-called fine motor skills Hands develops the brain - maybe it happened to me? I worked at this enterprise for a year and a half (I settled down in December 2006, retired in June 2008). It was possible to work further, but at this enterprise there was a humiliatingly low salary, absolutely not corresponding to the labor expended. And at the same time, the authorities were increasing and increasing the already high rate ... But this work has played a very great positive role in my life - I am very grateful to her.
In August of 2007, our family happenedA great sorrow - after a painful and prolonged illness my sister died. My sister struggled to the last - she prayed a lot, read, played the piano, learning new works, until the last days she went to sing in the church choir ... Shortly before her death, she told me: "When I die, everyone will say that I have been exhausted ..." The death of my sister has become a very big shock to all of us. I was an unbeliever, an atheist, but I began to pray for her a lot, because I no longer knew how to help her, than you can remove her guilt before her. Prayer brought relief. I began to feel how gradually the pain began to leave my soul, as the soul gradually became lighter, as gradually faith in God began to come to the soul.
I remember that shortly after my sister's death, I onceI slept at night and I saw a very terrible dream. I saw Satan coming towards me, and how he wants to tear me to pieces. With great difficulty, slowly, in a dream, I began to say: "Lord, help! God help me! Lord, help! "And with great difficulty began to be baptized. And my mother woke me up - she was in another room, and she heard me screaming, and ran to me ...
I could not rejoice after the death of my sister - joyOut of my life, I could not listen to cheerful music. I then realized that in grief one can find joy in good deeds - if we manage to help another person, somehow ease his pain, then we experience a bright joy in which there is nothing wrong with which our dead in the next world, too It becomes a little lighter ...
Approximately one and a half years after my deathSister, I had a dream that I was standing all naked in the basin, and my sister washes me with a soapy sponge. I realized for myself that this dream means that I constantly prayed for my sister, and that she probably cleansed me of many sins. Thanks to her, I came to faith, in my soul came peace and tranquility. My sister lived a martyr's life, humbly endured everything, did not become bitter, and she became for me an angel, an example of how to live. On her monument are written the words of Jesus Christ:

"Learn from Mene, for I am gentle and humbleHeart, and you will find rest for your souls "(Matthew 11:28) ... There are so many real people in this world from which this world becomes bright and beautiful, and from which their light continues to go even after they die ..." We breathe by warming the bird's nests, Lulling the children at midnight. It seems to you that the stars are looking from the sky, And this is from heaven we look at you ... "
... By January 2008, I had a "theory aboutMotorists ", which played a big role in my life, and which I still follow. I will quote here this theory (from a letter to a friend, 23.01 - 5.02.2008):
"You write that you do not know where to take your strength. I also know this problem very closely. When I fell ill, I also had absolutely no strength, there was almost an absolute loss of interest in life. But then somehow gradually my state of health improved. Perhaps it improved because I was prescribed better medicines and because I found the right job. Now I'm active, I have enough strength. I have small motors that give me strength, generate energy.
First, it's work. I work about 6 hours a day, plus the road to work and back (to take and receive details). If you want, you do not want to, but every day you have to fulfill your norm. This mobilizes, leads into a working mood, gets the body, and for free from work, I still have a charge to do my favorite things. (I would note that if I tried to work alone, to do only my favorite business, then this attempt would quickly fail, because I would not have enough willpower to force myself to get up early every day and work when no one forces me).
Another motor is communication with mom, dad,Friends. I feel their love, attention, what I need them. It lifts the mood, gives strength to the soul. At the same time, there is mutual spiritual enrichment, in which we share information, new knowledge and make each other a little stronger. Friends and relatives help to overcome some problems with their advice, their participation. It seems to me that when several people unite, their forces grow, our resistance against storms of life and disasters increases.
Thirdly, this is love. Love inspires, gives very great strength, fills with life. Unfortunately, here I'm still not doing well.
Fourth, the strength gives reading books, goodfilms. Communicating with other people in books, movies, you learn something new that enriches your soul, develops it, you learn something that can improve your life a little, an example of a good life of other people inspires and you live well.
Fifth, music (songs for guitar and learning classical works, good songs performed by other people). Sixth, this is the "New Acropolis", about which I already wrote to you, and the Author's Song Club.
Seventh, these are the elements of the organization in life. It is good to plan a little tomorrow, maybe even a year or even set goals for life (the latter is still bad for me). I'm trying to make a daily schedule and a week schedule (in the schedule of lessons for a week should be included items, work on which planned in the plans for the year).
Eighth, I have a feeling that I haveIts uniqueness, that I can open something, say what no one else can open and can not say. I feel the beauty of the world, my soul is ajar to meet this beauty, and I want to know this beauty, to make discoveries.
Ninthly, this is normal food, order in your room and in the apartment.
In the tenth, sometimes it gives me pleasure to quickly write on the computer (I learn the method of writing blindly).
In general, perhaps, the mood rises,Forces come when it is possible to do something good, it gives strength for the following good deeds. This, in general terms, and the development of his soul and something good for others.
I somehow managed to get into working condition,When my soul and body are working and creating some joy for themselves by this work. Motorists turn on and do not let me fall into depression, in a crisis. I, though with a squeak, and very slowly, but moving forward.
I'm not yet sure that all this will continueA long time, because a year ago everything was very bad. I can throw down, into the abyss some strong shock, humiliation, the lack of good medicines, marriage with an unsuitable person. And my strength is not so great. After all, I could not help my sister to give her her energy. This turned out to be an impossible task for me.
In general outline, all that I can say about where to take strength. Of course, you can have very different driving forces. "
I read a story in my childhood (Yuri Tarsky "StrongerDeath "(from the collection of stories" Rise in the designated square ")) about how our submarine was blown up on a mine, and only three sailors remained alive. Two of them remained in the boat, because they could not swim, and the foreman got out of the submarine and swam for help. And these two seamen, when they began to seize despair, engaged in, in general, unnecessary work - they closed holes in the case, took valuable appliances ... And they waited for help - they heard a knock on the hatch of the torpedo tube and left the deceased submarine together with their The foreman, who sailed with them along with the fisherman on a fishing boat ...
So I think that when we get into a difficult situation, sometimes we need to do even unnecessary work so that depression and despair can not control us.
... Six months after this letter (with the "theory ofI met my uncle. My uncle is a very kind, energetic, self-assured person, an optimist, leads a large firm. By that time I realized that my lack of strength could be compensated by the best organization, and asked my uncle what elements of the organization he was applying.
He said that if something does not work outFor reasons beyond his control or dependent, you do not have to focus on this, but do something else. And then the thing that does not work out sooner or later will be done (I also read about it in the memoirs of the commander of the tank army of Marshal ME Katukov: with the development of the offensive of the tank army in the enemy's rear it is necessary to bypass defensive points without spending time and effort on Their destruction - then, being in our rear, these defensive points will fall, you can say, by themselves).
Every day you have to schedule yourself and exercise,Let small business. The fact that you see some result will keep you toned, give strength. (These words of his very well confirmed and supplemented my "theory of motors"). Still, he said that you need to do some physical exercises every day.
Still, you need to have a regime of the day.
He also confirmed that it is necessary to plan the day and the week on a daily schedule, and at the end of the day see what is done and what is not, and plan the unfulfilled business the next day.
Still, my uncle in that our meeting (10-13.10.2008.) Told me that he wants to analyze my situation. He said that since I have a propensity for philosophy, for creativity, it is necessary to continue to develop in this direction. It will be an occupation for the soul.
But you also need some occupation for earningmoney. Work with the shovel, he did not advise, because it is unpromising. He advised not to go to the managers, because, he said, and he himself would not be able to keep up with the young in this profession - they are so grasping and versatile. But I could work as a plumber (I told him that I was thinking about mastering this specialty).
A plumber on call who does work on applications, "hack-work" is a very difficult job, requiring high professionalism, strength, mobility, and it would not suit me.
But the duty plumber somewhere in the hostelI could work. At least, you need to try, because I do not lose anything. In any case, I will master a new specialty, I will receive the necessary skills in life. It is possible to work, even if slowly, but qualitatively, and they will appreciate me and always help, something will be prompted.
The first time, of course, will be very difficult, you need to be ready for this, but then I will be involved. And he also said that you need to win credibility at work by your conscientiousness, accuracy, etc.
Support for my uncle was very important to me -In the near future I went this way - I began to master the profession of plumbing. In addition to the arguments that led my uncle, I decided for myself that, firstly, if I work in this specialty, I will have free time for reading, for self-education. Secondly, I thought that the work of plumbing is both physical and mental work, and it has the important advantage that doing physical work will energize me for mental work, and I, with my not very strong head, will be able to do something, Then read, think over something. Further life confirmed the correctness of both my uncle's words and my reasoning ...
I well remember how that autumn, in October (2008).) Walked along a small birch park where we went with my sister in the morning. Here is what I wrote down in my diary: "Last night, and the day before yesterday was very bad health. I did not want to live (because of this, the regime of the day was shaken). And this morning I got up at 10 o'clock, prayed and went for a walk. Today, clear, sunny weather, the blue sky, the temperature is about +8 degrees Celsius. I walked on / to the park / where we walked with / my sister /. I walked slowly. A fresh breeze was blowing. Rooks and jackdaws were busily looking for something and found among the fallen leaves. And I somehow suddenly felt very good. I felt like a white, strong sail filled with fresh wind, and the ship begins to sail into the sunny blue distance. And so good, light, the strength is in the soul to go, to sail to the new bright dawns. And next to my ship, my sister / sails with me, accompanies me and blesses me. And I do what no she, not for herself, for her ... Where my ship sails? ... "
After the death of my sister, I worked forEnterprise for disabled people for almost a year, and then resigned and got a job as a watchman in a garage cooperative (June 2008). The salary there was the same as in the enterprise for the disabled, but I could no longer engage in the continuous assembly of parts, and could read books - the time I could use for myself. I worked as a watchman for about nine months, and it was like never before this productive time in my life - the Lord so arranged that I could very much comprehend and understand ...
In March 2009, I decided to leave the watchman's job and go to the plumber courses.
The theory in these courses was very small, the mainWere a half months of practice in the house management. God sent me good, experienced mentors, with whom I went to the applications, learned everything. I was very scared and hard. I, in general, have never done anything like this before - I've always dealt with a book, not with a spanner. I at that time often had terrible dreams about breaking the pipe, and I need to somehow liquidate the breakthrough, and I do not know how to do it.
I am especially grateful to the plumber Alexey. He was about 50 years old. He was in prison for robbery, he had some connections with the criminal world, he was a drink lover, but he was a very kind person, believing in God.
When I later got a job as a plumber, heSaid that if I have any kind of accident, something will not work out, they will come to me and do everything. Such words were very dear to me. Two years later he suddenly died. On the day I learned of his death, I wrote a note in his memory about the newspaper "What I'd like to tell my child" in which I gathered the main thing that I understood in my life. The note has been published, and I very much hope that it has become a bit lighter in the next world. I pray for him and believe that he helps me in my work ... Save him Lord and have mercy!
After finishing the course of plumbers (summer 2009)) I felt in my soul the need to go to the holy mother Matrona, which I heard a lot about. My father and I came to our relatives in Moscow, and on an early summer morning I went to the monastery to Matronushka. Defended the turn, was attached to the relics. I asked Mother Matron that my sister in the next world was all right, so that I could improve my health so that I met my beloved, found a job so that my family and friends would be all right ...
When I returned from Matronushka, it seems that for the first time in many years I woke up in the morning with a sense of happiness.
And a day or two later, when I returned to myCity, my friends and I went to the lake. We were sitting on the shore of the lake, laying the table on the tablecloth spread out on the sand, and I suddenly started jotting jokes, joking like I never did in my life. For every word I had an anecdote. I've never laughed so much in my life. Pain after her sister's death let go.
The day after the lake my friend cameTo visit me with another friend. We began to communicate with this girl, and it so happened that soon we decided to be a brother and sister to each other. It so well fell on my heart, and to her, and me - I cried with happiness that I will have a sister.
After a short time II met a girl who, like Matrona, does not see anything and can not walk. This girl, despite her illness, is a very kind and bright person. Despite the fact that she herself does not see the light, the light comes from her. Communication with her brings me great joy. If she wishes me luck, then I believe that everything will be all right for me, and so it happens. This girl became one of my best friends. I believe that Matrona sent her to me too, because she too, like Matronushka, can not walk and does not see anything.
Such miracles happened to me after I visited Mother Matrona. Thank her very much and God's help to her in all her good deeds!
Six months after the trip to Matronushka I found(In February 2010), and for the sixth year I have been working in this specialty. After several years, the medical requirements for employees were toughened, but I managed to get the doctors permission for this work from the doctors. For a long time I could not decide to get a job as a plumber, I was scared. But it so happened that at that time my friend gave me a book by Yury Yemelyanov: "Help yourself. Advice to all who have not yet found their place in life "(Veche, AST, Moscow, 1997). The first chapter of the book was devoted to the analysis of feelings of fear and advice, how to fight fearfully. I analyzed this chapter, reviewed it, I had a clear understanding of this issue, and I decided to get a job and was able to overcome fear in the future. This, of course, was also God's help. I have so far only read the first chapter of this book, but I realized that this is a very wise, strong book, and I want to recommend it to everyone (it's not easy to find it).
In this organization, I met very good people who helped very much and helped to overcome all difficulties. I am very grateful to them, and I believe that the Lord will reward them for their kindness towards me.
The work of plumbing is quite difficultWork that requires a certain amount of dexterity and certain professional skills. Sometimes it meets very difficult tasks. This work greatly tempered my character, helped me feel more confident.
At the same time, I realized that because of my badMy health in this profession is limited for me. A year and a half ago I got a job as a plumber in one very serious organization. To me, my superiors and the plumbers were very good (they helped me very much), but I was able to work there only for 5 months. All this time I felt as if I was at the front. I can not say that I worked there continuously, and that the work was very hard (I remember that such a hard work, since I worked as a loader in my youth for one year), but I came home very tired. The body was not tired, but in my head was terrible fatigue. And nothing was interesting to me - neither the wife, nor the child, nor communication on the Internet, - I could only lie dumb on the couch and do nothing. I resigned ...
Six months after that I got a job as a plumberIn the research institute. The work there was not so much, but it was necessary to stay in the workplace all day, it was impossible to lie down (such an opportunity, I think, is desirable in my illness), and I tried to use my free time to read books intensively. But because of conflicts with the clerk, I had to quit my job three months later. Due to overloads, and also due to constant friction and conflicts with the manager, my health deteriorated very badly, it was with great difficulty that I managed to recover, to get out of this crisis. But whatsoever is done, everything is done for the better ...
After all this, I realized that my health problems remained, and that my opportunities in work are limited - I do not tolerate physical and mental overloads, it makes me sick.
Now I continue to work on my formerWork, where you do not need to be constantly, where I come only for verification or on call. But I have some plans for additional work.
A year after I started workingPlumber I met a girl (January 2011), who became my future wife. We met on the dating site. Once I deduced the formula of the girl I wanted to find for myself. I still remember the text of my announcement of acquaintance: "... By nature, kind, modest, inquisitive, a little bit romantic. Looking for a girl with the same qualities. It is advisable that you like to read books and like to go on small hikes. " I once read an article in which a psychologist Galina Belozub wrote about the fact that with such a disease as I have, an emotionally warm person should be next to me, and I found myself looking for such a girl and finally met him. And yet, I clearly knew that next to me there should not be a hard, coarse, selfish man.
The "Bible" says: "Ascending the sand for the feet of the old man is a quarrelsome wife for a quiet husband. Abandoned hands and relaxed knees are a wife who will not make her husband happy.
A kind wife is a happy share. She is given as an inheritance to those who fear the Lord. With her, a rich and poor heart is always content, and a face is always cheerful. "
The second is about my wife: she is a very kind and good person, and I am very happy with her, and she is with me.
Soon after we met, I told her about my illness, called the diagnosis, but it did not frighten her.
My future wife surrounded me with warmth and love. When I was ill, she laid her hand on my head, and my pain left. It turned out that she took my pain on herself. Before meeting my wife, life seemed to me mostly in gray tones, it seemed that the sky was pressing on me. But I met my beloved, and one day I suddenly felt that there are real feelings, kindness, love in life, and that everything that is said in fairy tales is true, and life was filled with light, kindness, love, happiness ...
A year later we got married. We had a big, very happy and happy wedding.
And then we had a baby - a girl ... I livedUp to 37 years old and did not understand that people find good in children ... But God gave his beloved, gave the child, and in his soul, as if sprinkled with springs, life was filled with light, love, happiness. A child from a beloved woman is happiness! Happinnes exists! I wish everyone to find their happiness!
Thanks to the second child, I also had feelings for the first child, whom I had previously feared ...
When my second daughter was born, I becameVery little free time, it was necessary to constantly be in motion, something to do. If someone had told me earlier that I could endure it, I would be very surprised. But it turned out that I sustained it - the Lord revealed in me some reserves of strength. The happiness that our children give us is worth the labors that we endure when we grow them, and it is worthwhile to work hard to give life to a very beloved, loved, close person ...
For a long time I was worried that I did not have anythingI do for science. I still sometimes dream of going to the philosophy department, and I need to take entrance exams or to go from one course to another, and I have very bad health, and it's very hard for me to do it, and I do not know if I have enough strength ... Now I have laid my sorrow on the Lord, I rely on Him, I believe that if there is His holy will for this, then the Lord will help me to do something good for people. I try to read, as far as I can, good books, and the Lord gives me joy from this reading and because I have a little bit of Truth opening up. Today I read the words of John of Kronstadt: "The best moments on earth are those into which we are the wisest, in general, when we recognize or defend the truth, this heavenly inhabitant, a citizen. Then only we truly live ... "(John of Kronstadt" My Life in Christ ", p. 388. M .: Blagovest, 2012). I feel it too ...
I managed to find a recipe for how to approachThe immensity of the world, its enormous tasks facing us (this question I could not find an answer in my youth, and this was one of the reasons for my misfortunes.) Here is what I wrote about this to my friend (in 2008):
"... Recently I read a novel by K.M. Stanyukovicha "Priests". This is a novel about scientists who preach some ideas from the pulpit, but live a little differently in real life. The main positive hero Nevzgodin in his youth was a very dissolute person, but then he gradually began to work, discovered a literary gift and became a noble, serious, strong person who has a weight in life. He does not want to enter the service, where he depends on someone, and earns a living by literary creativity. I will quote two citations in which Nevzgodin's thoughts are shown at a turning point in his life:
"There was a band, when he wandered thoughtsTo commit suicide because of accursed questions, tormented by their inapplicability in life, and because of the rejected love for Margarita Vasilyevna herself, without which life seemed unhappy to him ... And to all this, loneliness and chronic starvation.
But all this went on for him not for long andIrrevocably passed. Work, the proud desire for struggle, examples of the courage of big personalities and the consciousness of duty to life saved him, sending thoughts from their little personal sorrows to more serious and social sorrows. Now he is surprised by his cowardice, and he is surprised by the cowardice of people who, without any struggle, without any attempt to find a way out in some social matter, are given over to nervous, personal moods "(p. 445)
"And, you know, it's the past, and therefore I confessYou, that at the time when you rejected my hand, as the hand of a frivolous and dissolute person, I was in Paris in such a mood that I could lay hands on myself. "You?" - I'm the most. - And because of me? - Not quite because of you ... The reason for going to the forefathers was not one unhappy love, but also various doubts as to whether one should live in the world without being able to radically change it ... And, besides, loneliness ... starvation. - And for a long time was this mood? - For a month, perhaps, the thought of buying a revolver wandered ... Fortunately, there was no money. - How did you get rid of these thoughts? "One Frenchman, an armless old man - he shook off his hand at the dismay of the Commune - starving in a neighboring attic, ridiculed me in the most real way and said that if I so want to die, it is better to go to South America and join the ranks of insurgents ... At least one soldier will be more against the government. The old man felt hatred for every government ... But since I had nothing to go to South America, I started to work, got my lessons ... read ... I thought ... and soon felt ashamed of my intention, realized that I was not alone in the world, rejected by my beloved woman , And not one to redraw the sublunary with its own requirements ... Yes, and to reshape it, we must live, and not die ... And, as you can see, I do not repent that I live in the world and I write stories and stories, although I, like you, do not I know the love that you dreamed about ... "(pp. 450 - 451)
K. M. Stanyukovich "Priests" (novel). M .: "Fiction", 1988 Stanyukovich KM "Selected works in 2 volumes", volume two.
I want to draw your attention to the fact that Nevzgodin first was"A frivolous and dissolute person", but then decided to fight, to become more serious and gradually became an independent, strong, just man, able to influence life. He found himself a literary talent and found joy in his work. Perhaps Stanyukovich here speaks of himself.
On the same topic I will give a description of the girl -Daughter of the main negative hero of the novel, Naidyonov: "Thanks to Naidenov's clever voluntary non-interference in the upbringing of his children, and thanks to the influence of an unusually meek mother, who adored her husband with some blind, almost slavish reverence for a loving and affectionate nature, the children grew quite unlike the inner Storehouse for the father. Especially his favorite Lisa, a kind girl and selfless enthusiast, burning with the desire to exert her strength to help the destitute and unfortunate.
She was an active member of the guardianship andTogether with Margarita Vasilievna really engaged in the charity work. She attended her site on a daily basis, not embarrassed by the cellars and backyards, heartily treated poor people and fervently represented them before the committee and distributed almost all of their pocket money to them, instead of buying a pair of new gloves or a bottle of perfume for them. In addition, Lisa was a teacher at the school of guardianship and was assigned to her duties with father's conscientiousness and accuracy to work. Unlike most of the model young ladies dreaming of attire, outings, balls, theaters and catching a good groom, she used her leisure time for the benefit of her neighbor and, cheerful, healthy and ruddy, was not nervous about her dissatisfaction with life, doing her little things modestly, sensibly and Relentlessly. "(Pp. 434 - 435)
K. M. Stanyukovich "Priests" (novel). M .: "Fiction", 1988 KM Stanyukovich "Selected works in 2 volumes", volume two.
I was very encouraged by this example, because I, tooQuite a dissolute person, a little organized, carefree, but on the example of Nevzgodin I see that you should not despair, but you need to work a little, fight, do small things and you can achieve a lot ... "
How good that our world, apparently, is infinite,Immense! You can endlessly make discoveries, overcome difficulties, solve life problems, do something good - and that means, be happy. Maybe we can not embrace the whole infinity, but every small part of this infinity, overcoming every small segment of this path can bring us happiness ...
Very often our lives are overcoming. Often we really do not want to do something, it is difficult to do something, but we need to say the word "we must", get up and do it ...
Sometimes it happens when the soul becomesVery badly, badly ("badly" - as my grandmother used to say), when some weight, depression, depression overwhelms my soul. I then try to lie a little, if possible, maybe a little sleep. Or, on the contrary, I try to do something - to do some good feasible work - to place photos in the album, to make something, - to do some small thing, which was a pity to waste time, because it was Was too easy when I was vigorous and full of energy ... Or, on the contrary, doing something that could not be undertaken because of the difficulty of this matter. And when you start to do something, then you get involved in this business, you see some result, and the pain goes away, and there are forces to do something else.
Sometimes it happens that despair comes,When you can not lie or do anything because of pain in your soul. And then you cry and remember about God, and you say in your heart: "Lord, it's very bad for me - please help me," - and the pain of the soul with tears leaves, peace comes, peace ...
I really like one story about the Buddha, which I heard when I was very bad, and who very much gave me strength to live:
Once the Buddha invited all the villagers toNight sermon and told everyone to bring lamps. One woman did not have money, but she was very fond of the Buddha and could not disobey him. Then she sold her hair and bought the smallest luminaire. During the preaching, the demon raised a strong wind, and all the lamps went out. And the lamp of this poor woman was very small, he hid behind others, and the demon could not extinguish it. Buddha drew attention to this, took this lamp in his hands and said that as long as the fire in the soul burns at least one person, not everything is lost for people, and ignited all the others from this lamp.
You need to protect your fire, no matter how small it is, and,Perhaps we can light a fire in the soul of someone who has gone out ... And if we light a fire in someone's soul, it will be a great happiness for the sake of which it is worth living ...
AT Tvardovsky has one very good poem:
... From the path of his own, not entering anything, Not retreating - to be yourself. So with his own destiny, To find himself in fate any And someone's soul let go of the pain.
When we take someone's pain on ourselves, ourHis own pain goes away, and this makes us people ... And when we do something good, it makes us happy, fills our soul with light and happiness. And vice versa, I feel that when I do not do anything good or do something bad, then my soul becomes gloomy, cold, and then it is urgent to correct something.
In my life I suffered many torments, trials,And now I'm very happy. "By punishing the Lord, I will not betray death" (David, Psalm 117: 18). Thank God for everything! Now I have it that I pray and cry with happiness, that I have the Lord, that He loves me, gives me His light, His kindness, His love. Often it seems to me that I am in heaven - so I feel good. Thank God for everything! I do not know the solution to any theological questions. I just pray to God, I think, I feel His presence, I talk with Him, and my soul is filled with light, happiness, everything in life is happily arranged, and I feel that this is the true way. I had such moments, when everything was bad and when despair seized me, and then in those terrible moments I thought about God and shouted in my heart: "Lord, help me - I'm lost!" - and help always came at once. But I know that if help does not come someday, it means that it will be necessary for my benefit - all the will of God ... Faith in God is the most precious thing that I have, and this is the main discovery in my life ...
As for my health, it is not completelyWas restored. I have (although not often in recent years) depression, a state of depression. I feel very bad ... I can not withstand physical or mental overload for a long time - then it starts to seem to me that my soul, my brain, as it were, tremble with fatigue and tension, I'm out of order. Several times it happened that because of physical and mental overload, stress became so bad that I already thought that my health had collapsed again; But each time I managed to recover. My physical and mental abilities are limited in comparison with those of healthy people. But my condition is much better than it was at the time when my mind was seriously damaged, and when my life was a total torment (2003). And even better than what happened to me in my youth.
It is said that the nerve cells are not restored,But the fact that my psyche has largely recovered, and I again became a happy person, as once in my childhood - only then did I not feel my happiness so clearly and for such a long time.
I'm thankful to God for getting sick. The disease has taught me a little to feel someone else's pain, and this makes us people. And it's good that my illness is preserved to some extent - it reminds me of all the time that there is pain, anguish, and it maybe helps me to remain human.
John of Kronstadt writes: "Our soul is simple, like a thought, and quick as a thought and like lightning. In a moment, she may be wounded by sin ...; In a moment, can fall away from the love of God and the neighbor, from the unintentional thought of the unjust ... and therefore we must be unceasingly guarding our hearts ... "(My Life in Christ, p. 387). Probably, I will have more trials ahead of me. I really hope that I will withstand them, that everything will be fine, and that the Lord will not let me, my loved ones, and all good people disappear, and that He will direct bad people to a good path, and will not give them a precipice either. If once one has to die, then I know that after death, we are faced with a meeting with God - with the Highest Good, with the Supreme Justice, with the Supreme Mercy - and why be afraid of this meeting? You just need to try to live this life lightly and honestly, so that this meeting was joyful ... But I hope that it will not be soon, and that I will still manage to do something good in this life.
My dear children, dear people, I very much ask you,I advise you never to depart from God, to remember Him, to be always with Him. Feel Him in your soul, try to talk with Him, refer to Him mentally for help, for advice, thank Him for the love, for all the good that He does for us. Do not ever give up from the Lord, so that you do not experience such misfortunes as happened to me. Be always with the Lord that you will always have His light, His love, His help. Jesus Christ said: "I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly" (John 10:10). Be always with the Lord, so that you always have life, and there was plenty of life, so that you were always happy! I wish you happiness! God bless you!

May-June 2015

Alexey Zorkin

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